There's been a lot of time lately to think. The gratitude I have for this time is infinite. The one thing that I have studied within myself is what, specifically, has shaped my beliefs. I am more keen to this because now I am responsible for molding two little lives. What things will I show them, instill in them and teach them that will shape their core beliefs later in life?
It's a bit overwhelming to know that my influence will go that deep into someone else. It's even more frightening because they are my children. I don't want them to be scarred or resentful by something I did. The only thing I have ever wanted for my children is happiness, before I even had them. I have never "planned" what they should be when they grow up, what sports to play or which type of person I want them to spend their lives with. As long as happiness follows them along they way I will be content. I don't want to determine their destiny. I will not tell them what religion they need to be part of, who to hang out with at school or what to pursue later in life. Something I do or say may shape their beliefs though and this I cannot control. It may determine what god they believe in, who they select as friends and what path they take. This is something I have to accept.
"I am a part of all that I have met." Alfred Tennyson
It's true isn't it? I genuinely believe that everyone who has come into my life, whether they have been one of my soul mates or not, has helped shape me. Some have brought love, inspiration, help and kindness; while others have brought pain, sadness, resentment and anger. Often times most people bring the good and the bad. Every so often you meet someone that's a little different from the rest. These people give me ideas that I will carry forever, some mold how I will behave for the rest of my life and I used to associate this "borrowing" or "copying" with shame and guilt. It wasn't my idea or my thought, so it's not really mine. Now that I'm older I see that I am a sum of parts. Everyday, every person provides a learning opportunity.
I have met a fantastic, eccentric older woman through my husband. She lives how she wants to. She's fun and spontaneous, crazy and wise. She has one daughter who is eighteen and living a much different life than her mother. It's always exciting to know that children aren't always like their parents. This woman told me that her daughter was watching a TV talk show in which couples were on and the women were being abused by their spouses. She asked her mother if that would ever happen to her. The woman told her that it will only happen once but that her family would be there for her, without judgment, to help her out. I found this statement intriguing. Most people would say, "it will never happen to you," to give their daughter security and peace of mind. Instead she was providing her daughter with the horrible truth in the world. Women get abused. However, she also let her know that if it does ever happen that her family will get her out of the situation and she has a support net. This is an idea I will pass on to my daughter.
Did I steal her idea? Am I not discovering my own opinion when I take another's? I don't think so (anymore). I am molding my own beliefs, still as an adult. As a child, beliefs are also shaped but I can't remember triggers as to why I never believed what was being preached at church. It's not that the Bible stories weren't uplifting and teaching a lesson, but I just didn't believe that these events actually took place. I see them the same way as I do mythology. I don't know what triggered this but I do know that being dragged to church wasn't my cup of tea. I do believe in a "God" or supreme being that created the world and hope that there is something after we die. I like to imagine it's much like "What Dreams May Come" and that we create our own after life. The people we love and want to be around are there in whatever form we want them to be. However, I don't know so I must live this life.
I recently was struck by a conversation I had with a friend about the possibility of her husband cheating. She firmly said that she would leave him if he ever did so. I wondered why she was so cut and dry about this. Was it because she could never forgive him if he did so? Was it because it kept her in check and prevented her from cheating? Sometimes I think we create our beliefs to protect ourselves and limit our actions. Maybe she is insecure in her own desires. If she lets herself believe that she would leave him, then maybe she knows she should never cheat because he would leave her. I don't necessarily feel as though I'm judging her, but I'm curious as to what triggered her to form that belief. I have never cheated on anyone. In fact, I was dating someone in high school and was at a party where I wanted to. So instead of cheating I broke up with my boyfriend so I could do what I wanted to do. Which would have hurt him more? I don't know, but I think I made the right decision. This was also a very juvenile, desire geared decision. When it comes to my marriage I have an unconditional love for my husband and deep inside I know that if he were ever to cheat on me, I would probably forgive him. Do I tell him these things? Of course not. Although he would probably like to know how unconditional my love is for him. My belief is that all humans are capable of missteps and we are all capable of forgiveness if we let ourselves. I guess that I just don't ever know how I would react to everything. You could turn this around like I did with my friend and say, "maybe she feels that way because she is leaving the door open for her mistakes." This may be true but I honestly feel like, and believe, that to err is human and that should be accepted.
Nonetheless, I am intrigued by all the different experiences, people and other things that mold us and our beliefs. It fascinates me. I think if you could draw out a map of what happened, who influenced and what belief was formed from that it would be quite awesome. I often times would like to know what happened earlier in my life to shape the way I see things now; and bask in the enjoyment I get from recognizing what will shape my believes going forward.
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